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Elimde Kalan Son Cümleler.....
Gönderme zamanı: 10/25/2009 15:24:39

Karanlık gelgitler içindeyim ...
Yok sayamıyorum içimdeki arsız,pervasız,berbat ve SENSİZ duygularımı.... beynimi uğuldatan serseri gürültülerin sessizliğini beklemekteyim... Oysa ben... pırıl pırıl akan bir ırmak kenarında çıplak ayaklarımla çakıl taşlarını tekmelemek istedim dilimde bir türkü ve türküye karışan akan suların ahenkli sesi ve kuşların cıvıl cıvıl nameleri.... ama sen..... içimi acıtan, yaralayan sızlatan ağıtlar söyledin kulağıma..
Özlem büyüyor içimde sessizce sinsice......
Mevsimler geçiyor ardı ardına.. ilkbahar ..yaz... sonbahar.... kış.... ama sensizlik geçmiyor ki sensizlik hep hazan , sensizlik fırtınalar koparan bir sonbahar bende... Sana gelebilecek güç yok bende bu gücü sende arıyor sana dileniyorum belkide..... zamanmı geçmiyor yoksa sanamı geç kaldım ben bilmiyorum...
Kucaklayıp tüm özlem türkülerini... sana göndermek istiyorum...
“seviyorum” diyebileceğim anda susmak.... Ağlamak istediğimde gülümsemek.... gittiğin anda “geri dön” diyebilmek kendimle savaşmak isterdim oysa...
Karşılığı yok ki düşüncelerimin lugatta... doğru cümleleri bulamıyor.. boğuluyorum sonra...Kelimeler aciz şimdi eğildi önümde mahcup yaramaz çocuklar misali kıvranıyorlar dilimde.... Gözlerim buğulu ... sitemli sözlerim şimdi... gelmeyeceğini bile bile beklediğim hoş kokulu mektupsun yüreğime işleyen...
Evet sensiz duygularım .... sensiz senleri yaşıyor sakladığı en derinlere seni bulup çıkartmaya .. sakındığı sakladığı en derinlere gizlediği seni bulmaya çalışıyor şimdi...
Gezdiğim ırmak kenarı değil oysa.... yosun tutmuş ıslak ve kaygan duvarlar var önümde...tüm düşüncelerim küf kokuyor ve tüm bedenime sensizlik bulaşıyor kaygan zeminlerden....
Önamde bir kağıt ve bir kalem .... mahcup, ürkek cümleleri topluyorum teker teker...incitmeden elime.... sonra kağıda yerleştiriyorum alabildiğine...
Oysa....
Elimde kalan son cümleler hala bende...............

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